There; a public and official "out there" in my professional sphere. It’s big…and she was one of my very best friends.
While I’ve been so incredibly fortunate to use the many varied stages of my growth as a mom to support and encourage other mothers, losing my mom is not one I would have chosen to add to my list of experiences. To be blunt, it sucks and I’ve been a bit of a mess. After learning of Mom’s passing, a friend welcomed me to the “club that no one wants to join”. Seriously. I didn’t want to “have a happy Mother’s Day” this year…I wanted to cry and sleep and cry some more.
It was a wise thing for me to set up a recording (it's the same call from January in case you've already listened) instead of the work needed to do the group call every month. Mom needed (and I was grateful to give) more support those last few months. I needed time to be a mess with fewer responsibilities and commitments in the months that followed.
Don’t misunderstand, I’m still walking my talk as a health coach; I’m still committed to an optimal expression of me and my authentic potential. I’ve learned that my “best version of me” in grief eats WAY MORE bagels and drinks more wine…and I’m okay with that…for a season. It was good for me to make peace with how my “map” changed (adding bagels for example). I’ve made allowances for slowing down, reaching to female friends, sisters, and daughters so to stay knit “in” when losing Mom sometimes feels like my foundation is shaking and the pain strikes in ways I haven’t experienced before. To be clear, I’ve faced and gone through some pain (I do have 5 children after all) …this is new pain and one that I couldn’t have anticipated. Like labor the first time, nobody can truly prepare you, right?
There has been growth, but not like I had “planned” this spring. I thought maybe a garden, a few more chapters of the books, and for certain, the video workshop would be ready for launching in May, in time for Mother’s Day. All of this will still come, I chose to believe that, but the timing is edited.
As we celebrate Mother’s Month, I ache for my friend and rejoice that I had her as long as I did. I’m very fortunate to have been close with my mother; we weren’t for a season and our healing was much like a scar that has more strength than the original skin.
In losing her, I gained so much. In the months that proceeded her death, we got even clearer with each other, more transparent and raw than perhaps ever. We experienced a multitude of Divine gifts that we couldn’t have anticipated. I wrote of my mother’s last few days, but short of you sifting through the journal, I’ll share just a few of the gifts we experienced. I’m honored to have received them and to pass them to you in the hope that they’ll encourage you to trust more and to see more of a Divine expression in your day.
- Just an hour before her death, my mom, a midwife who had 5 babies of her own and delivered thousands, heard the heartbeat of her next great grandchild.
- The Hospice director knew my mother and credited her with having taught her to deliver babies more than 30 years ago at Grady Hospital. My mother waited until Dr. Washburn was in the room with my sister and I to “midwife us” as she passed.
- I sensed a wave as she left her body. Like an ocean wave leaves some of itself on the beach before it returns; she left much in many and has now returned. This experience has forever changed me.
The “weight” of this experience is one I’ll walk with, learning to surrender it too; allowing it to shape me still, and I'll come to Peace with my loss. The lesson (again) that I’m not alone in my private pain returns to the surface. Lessons that that deepen my ability to hold joy with that new heartbeat, new sunrise, and new hope in humanity because I can trust Divine details more as a result of the immensity of what I've experienced this year.
So for now, the OptiMOM Coaching projects are slowly getting attention and energy again ... while also caring for who and what remains in mom's absence….me included.